Limerence: An Uncontrollable and Obsessive Desire

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a term you may not be familiar with. It describes an involuntary, uncontrollable, and obsessive desire for another person. This fixation can lead to significant distress, disrupting daily life, and may have negative impacts on other people too.

Prevalence and Characteristics

Limerence can affect anyone, but is more likely to occur in people with anxiety or depression. It is thought to affect 4%-5% of the general population, although this is very hard to measure. The term was coined by behavioural psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love”. She described it as a unique psychological phenomenon, different from falling in love, which is driven by an uncontrollable desire for another person – the “limerent object”.

Who Can be a Limerent Object?

Anyone can become a limerent object to someone with the condition – whether they are a friend, colleague, or total stranger. These feelings are almost always unrequited because a core feature of limerence is the uncertainty of another’s feelings.

How is Limerence Characterised?

A person in a state of limerence idolises their limerent object, fixating on their positive traits while denying any flaws. Their emotions become dependent on perceived signs of interest or rejection, leading to extreme highs and lows. They will think about their limerent object continually – which can feel exciting and fun, especially if their feelings are reciprocated.

The Three Phases of Limerence

There are typically three stages of limerence. First, infatuation, involving the initial attraction in which the person starts idealising someone. Second, crystallisation, which is the fully limerent phase, where obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency, and euphoria, or despair, dominate. And third, deterioration, when the attachment eventually fades.

Help and Support

There is little psychological literature on how people experiencing limerence can regulate their emotions or break the cycle. In terms of external support, therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) may help. ACT works by changing a person’s relationship with their thoughts and feelings. Using a process known as “cognitive diffusion”, a person learns to notice their intrusive thoughts and detach from them.

Conclusion

Limerence is an under-researched topic, but some studies suggest links with anxious attachment styles when a person fears rejection and craves constant reassurance. Recognising limerence for what it is, and not judging oneself for feeling this way, can be an important first step. Practicing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and practising self-compassion and patience may help to ease distress.

FAQs

* Q: What is limerence?
A: Limerence is an involuntary, uncontrollable, and obsessive desire for another person.
* Q: How common is limerence?
A: It is thought to affect 4%-5% of the general population, although this is very hard to measure.
* Q: Who can experience limerence?
A: Anyone can experience limerence, including people with anxiety or depression.
* Q: What is the difference between limerence and falling in love?
A: Limerence is a unique psychological phenomenon, driven by an uncontrollable desire for another person, whereas falling in love is a normal romantic attachment.
* Q: How can I overcome limerence?
A: Recognising limerence for what it is, and not judging oneself for feeling this way, can be an important first step. Practicing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and practising self-compassion and patience may help to ease distress.