Parenting a perfectionist? Here’s how you may respond

Some children show signs of perfectionism from early on. Young children might turn out to be frustrated and rip up their drawing if it’s not quite right. Older children might avoid or refuse to do homework because they’re afraid to make a mistake.

Perfectionism can result in children feeling overwhelmed, indignant and frustrated, or sad and withdrawn.

And yet perfectionism isn’t considered all bad in our society. Being called a “perfectionist” could be a compliment – code for being an excellent employee or student, someone who strives to do their best and makes sure all jobs are done well.

These seemingly polarised views reflect the complex nature of perfectionism.

What is perfectionism?

Researchers often separate perfectionism into two parts:

1. perfectionistic strivings: being determined to satisfy goals and achieve highly

2. perfectionistic concerns: worry about having the ability to meet high standards, and self-criticism about performance.

While perfectionistic strivings may be positive and result in high achievement, perfectionistic concerns can result in a better likelihood of kids developing eating disorders or anxiety and depressionand having lower academic achievement.

Children and adolescents may experience perfectionism in relation to high school work, sport, performance in art or music, or in relation to their very own body.

Signs of perfectionistic concerns in children and adolescents may include:

A spread of genetic, biological and environmental aspects influence perfectionism in children. And as a parent, our role is vital. While research evidence suggests we are able to’t successfully increase positive perfectionistic strivings in our kids, harsh or controlling parenting can increase negative perfectionistic concerns in children.

Parents who’re perfectionistic themselves may also model this to their children.

So, how can we walk the road between supporting our child’s interests and helping them to attain their potential, without pressuring them and increasing the chance of negative outcomes?

Give them space to grow

An amazing metaphor is the gardener versus the carpenter described by psychology professor Alison Gopnik.

Instead of attempting to construct and shape our kids by controlling them and their environment (like a carpenter), parents can embrace the spirit of the gardener – providing numerous space for youngsters to grow in their very own direction, and nourishing them with love, respect and trust.

We can’t control who they turn out to be, so it’s higher to take a seat back, benefit from the ride, and look ahead to watching the person they grow into.

However, there continues to be plenty we are able to do as parents if our child is showing signs of perfectionism. We can role model to our kids how you can set realistic goals and be flexible when things change or go incorrect, help our kids manage stress and negative emotions, and create healthy balance in our family each day routine.

Set realistic goals

People with perfectionistic tendencies will often set unattainable goals. We can support the event of flexibility and realistic goal setting by asking curious questions, for instance, “what would you have to do to get one small step closer to this goal?” Identifying upper and lower limits for goals can also be helpful.

If your child is fixed on a high rating at college, for instance, set that because the “upper limit” after which support them to discover a “lower limit” they might find acceptable, even in the event that they are less comfortable with the end result.

This strategy may take time and practice to widen the gap between the 2, but is beneficial to create flexibility over time.

If a goal is performance-based and the end result can’t be guaranteed (for instance, a sporting competition), encourage your child to set a private goal they’ve more control over.

We may also have conversations about perfectionism from early on, and explain that everybody makes mistakes. In fact, it’s great to model this to our kids – talking about our own mistakes and feelings, to indicate them that we ourselves are usually not perfect.

Talk aloud practices might help children to see that we “walk the walk”. For example, if you happen to burn dinner you possibly can reflect:

I’m disenchanted because I put effort and time into that and it didn’t prove as I expected. But all of us make mistakes. I don’t get things right each time.

Manage stress and negative emotions

Some children and adolescents have a natural tendency towards perfectionism. Rather than trying to regulate their behaviour, we are able to provide gentle, loving support.

When our child or adolescent becomes frustrated, indignant, sad or overwhelmed, we support them best by helping them to call, express and validate all of their emotions.

Parents may fear that acknowledging their child’s negative emotions will make the emotions worse, but the alternative is true.

Creating healthy balance

The constructing blocks of healthy child development are strong loving family relationships, good nutrition, creative play and lots of physical activity, sleep and rest.

Perfectionism is related to rigidity, and considering that there is barely one correct strategy to succeed. We can as an alternative encourage flexibility and creativity in children.

Children’s brains grow through play. There is robust research evidence showing that creative, child-led play is related to higher emotion regulation skills, and a variety of cognitive skillsincluding problem-solving, memory, planning, flexibility and decision-making.

Play isn’t only for young children either – there’s evidence that explorative, creative play of any kind also advantages adolescents and adults.

There can also be evidence that getting energetic outdoors in nature can promote children’s coping skills, emotion regulation and cognitive development.