Help for High-Conflict Couples

Having a healthy, loving and connected relationship is one of the crucial rewarding experiences.  Couples often start out in a superb place and might’t imagine things going awry.  The biologically mandatory attachment bonding chemical process (the “honeymoon” phase) that connects people can even shield one another from what might turn out to be cracks in the connection later.  Ideally, whenever you settle in together and these vulnerabilities start to indicate themselves, it’s manageable because you’ll be able to communicate well in regards to the issues.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t all the time work this manner because it’s a bit more complicated. Why?

Many couples get stuck in tough spots, neither of them having the needed relationship tools to dig themselves out.  There are other ways people take care of a majority of these challenges based on their prior experiences.  These coping mechanisms can come crashing together in ways in which propel their negative cycles.  This can seem like intense outbursts or total retreat and conflict avoidance.  Yes, even sweeping issues under the rug and never talking about them actually creates a high level of conflict within the potential for total disconnection if not addressed.

The relationship attachment dynamics, the ways through which everybody has learned to instinctively react when under relationship duress, are really essential to grasp.  In order to heal and move forward, the cycles must be interrupted as emotional safety is increased to prior levels.  High-conflict couples have lost their way due to old imprints and the lack of emotional safety between them, things like trust, feeling heard and validated, prioritized, etc.  Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, EdD, is a research-supported theory that addresses the above, the goal to create a secure attachment for the couple.

There are EFT trained therapists everywhere in the country who may help but for individuals who would love to try a self-help route, there may be a brand new book just released in January of 2024 called, Help for High-Conflict Couples: Using Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Science of Attachment to Build Lasting Connection by Jennine Estes Powell, LMFT and Jacqueline Wielick, LMFT.

Being a therapist who works with couples (and individuals) myself, I see all kinds of relationships and ranging stages of distress once they show up in my office.  I’m not a trained EFT therapist, but I’ve all the time worked primarily around attachment issues, core beliefs and emotional safety as all of them relate to well functioning relationships.  This book is an incredible tool for couples to begin to get a handle on their issues.

Why is that this book so good?

• The writing style is compassionate, relatable and straightforward to digest, reasonably than overly clinical.
• It doesn’t offer a band aid approach but reasonably deeper level change, attending to the core emotional roots for each.
• There are tons of tools and exercises to de-escalate conflict, increase emotional safety and stop damaging relationship cycles.
• There can be attention to self regulation, how one can handle it whenever you’re triggered (in addition to when your partner is).
• It includes an exploration of the role of trauma.
• There’s a whole chapter on sex and the way these issues show up within the bedroom.
• Relationship vignettes are sprinkled throughout which may be helpful to see how difficult situations can play out.

Trauma can interrupt our ability to reply appropriately to the problem at hand and to ask for reassurance or for our must be met.  Events that remind our brain of the past often cause unconscious, knee-jerk responses that spiral uncontrolled immediately, causing a waterfall of reactions inside us that, in turn, can trigger our partner’s trauma.

The most significant things that high-conflict couples can do to seek out their way back to a secure and loving connection is to confess they need assistance.  Again, seeing a couples therapist is all the time ideal, to have someone within the room (or video) with you trained in relationship dynamics, who can hold the larger picture of your situation without the emotional reactivity you and your partner have.

Because therapy isn’t all the time a selection each parties in a relationship have the desire to make, a superb second selection may be written guidance by a trained therapist.  This is what you get with the book and self-help tool, Help for High-Conflict Couples.

Big thumbs up.  I imagine this book has the potential to assist plenty of couples.

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