Break Free from Shame in the Bedroom

Shame, a painful emotion rooted in feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, can cast a long shadow over our sexual lives if it gets entangled in one’s sexuality. The disgust or humiliation directed at the self can have a pervasive influence on one’s identity as a sexual being as well as relationship impact.

The term “sexual shame” is even more emotionally loaded because of the inherent discomfort associated with both of those words, let alone when used together.  The issue deserves a continued spotlight on it, to help those held back, unable to enjoy sex or simply feeling cut off from their perceived right to be sexual beings.

People will have their own unique experiences around the roots of their sexual shame but there are some common sources:

• Cultural and Religious Influences: Societal norms, religious teachings, and cultural taboos can create a climate of shame surrounding sex, particularly for women, LGBTQ+ individuals, and those engaging in sexual practices considered outside the “norm.”
• Negative Experiences (Childhood or Later): Traumatic experiences such as sexual abuse, neglect, or witnessing unhealthy sexual dynamics can lead to deep-seated shame related to sexuality.
• Internalized Messages: Negative messages about sex, bodies, and pleasure absorbed from family, peers, or media can contribute to feelings of shame and self-doubt.

Many aren’t even aware they carry sexual shame. Because the topic tends to lurk in the shadows, it doesn’t allow for learning or feedback. This leaves people having to figure out what’s going on for them on their own, or possibly not at all throughout their entire lives, which is unfortunate and unnecessary.

The first step is to identify if sexual shame exists. There are common behaviors that can indicate if it is present.

7 Possible Signs of Sexual Shame:

1. You feel sexually shut down, inhibited or avoidant in intimate relationships.
2. You feel sexually dissatisfied, not in touch with the sexual energy that contributes to arousal, excitement and orgasm.
3. You consistently over-focus on your partner’s satisfaction in lieu of your own.
4. You avoid being naked, preferring lights out during sex or generally try to cover yourself.
5. You are uncomfortable talking about sex, sharing with your partner what you like or asking what they do.
6. You engage in risky sexual behavior, seeking validation through unhealthy sexual experiences.
7. You have had strained relationships around the impact on open communication and sexual experiences within them.

The tentacles of this type of unattended shame are far-reaching, even more of a reason to identify this issue and work towards resolving it. Overcoming sexual shame is a journey that requires self-compassion, self-acceptance, and sometimes professional support. Therapeutic interventions, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy and sex therapycan help individuals identify and challenge shame-based beliefs, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and cultivate a positive relationship with their sexuality.

While empathy is most potent when received from others, showing empathy to ourselves can also help alleviate shame. Loving ourselves is not egotistical or selfish, it is imperative to being able to love others. Trusting that we are worthy of connection must be present for those connections to form.

– Sexual Shame via ChoosingTherapy.com

Cultivating a sex-positive environment that promotes open communication, consent, and pleasure can play a crucial role in dismantling sexual shame on a societal level. Education about healthy sexuality, challenging harmful stereotypes, and celebrating the diversity of sexual experiences can all contribute to a more shame-free sexual culture.  Recognizing the sources of shame, understanding its detrimental effects, and seeking support to heal and reclaim one’s sexuality are essential steps toward fostering a healthy and fulfilling sexual life.

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Have a related question? Get educational feedback and guidance from Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT via Ask Lisa Consultations available through her new on-platform chat service here on LoveAndLifeToolbox.com.

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