Are our fears of claiming ‘no’ overblown?

Everyone has been there. You get invited to something that you simply absolutely don’t want to attend – a vacation party, a family cookout, an expensive trip. But doubts and anxieties creep into your head as you weigh whether to say no.

You might wonder if you happen to’ll upset the one that invited you. Maybe it’ll harm the friendship, or they won’t extend an invitation to the following get-together.

Should you simply grit your teeth and go? Or are you worrying greater than you need to about saying “no”?

An imaginary faux pas

We explored these questions in a recently published study.

In a pilot study that we ran ahead of the major studies, we found that 77% of our 51 respondents had accepted an invite to an event that they didn’t need to attend, fearing blowback in the event that they were to say no. They frightened that saying no might upset, anger or sadden the one that invited them. They also frightened that they wouldn’t be invited to events down the road and that their very own invitations could be rebuffed.

We then ran a series of studies wherein we asked some people to assume declining an invite, after which report their assumptions about how the person extending the invite would feel. We asked other participants to assume that somebody had declined invitations that they had prolonged themselves. Then we asked them how they felt concerning the rejection.

We ended up finding quite the mismatch. People are inclined to assume others will react poorly when an invite isn’t accepted. But they’re relatively unaffected when someone turns down an invitation they’ve prolonged.

In fact, people extending invites were rather more understanding – and fewer upset, indignant or sad – than invitees anticipated. They also said they’d be quite unlikely to let a single declined invitation keep them from offering or accepting invitations in the long run.

We found that the asymmetry between people extending and receiving invites occurred no matter whether it involved two friends, a brand new couple or two individuals who had been in a relationship for a very long time.

Why does this occur?

Our findings suggest that when someone declines an invite, they think the one that invited them will give attention to the cold, hard rejection. But in point of fact, the person extending the invite is more more likely to give attention to the thoughts and deliberations that ran through the pinnacle of the one that declined. They’ll are inclined to assume that the invitee gave due consideration to the prospect of accepting, and this generally leaves them less bothered than is likely to be expected.

Interestingly, while our research examined invitations to fun events – dinners out to restaurants with a visiting celebrity chef and trips to quirky museum exhibits – other studies have found that the identical pattern emerges when someone is asked to do a favor and they refuse.

Even with these less enjoyable requests, people overestimate the negative implications of claiming no.

Lay the groundwork for future invites

There are just a few things you’ll be able to do to make things easier on yourself as you grapple with whether to say no an invite.

First, imagine that you simply were the one extending the invitation. Our research shows that folks are less more likely to overestimate the negative implications of declining an invite after they envision how they’d feel if someone turned down their invite.

Second, if money is a reason you’re considering passing on a dinner or a visit, share that with the one that invited you – so long as you are feeling comfortable doing so, in fact. Other research has found that folks are especially understanding when people cite funds as their reason for declining.

Third, consider the “no but” strategy that some therapists suggest. Decline the invitation, but offer to do something else with the one that invited you.

With this method, you’re making it clear to the one that invited you that you simply’re not rejecting them; quite, you’re declining the activity. A bonus with this strategy is that you may have the chance to suggest doing something that you simply actually need to do.

Of course, there’s a caveat to all of this: If you decline every invitation sent your way, in some unspecified time in the future they’ll probably stop coming.

But assuming you aren’t a habitual naysayer, don’t beat yourself up if you happen to find yourself declining an invite once in a while. Chances are that the one that invited you might be less bothered than you think that.